A Precarious Balance
I once shared with a friend that I thought balance was critical to my happiness and how I strive to maintain it. She replied "Ugh, sounds like a flatline to me." I saw it more of a critical apex that allowed me to play with extremes without getting taken down by them. For example, I can be quite gluttonous. I like all kinds of meat, cheese, white bread, sugar, tobacco...pretty much all of it...and no I am not so great at moderation in my diet.
So how do I balance this out? By doing an extreme cleanse 1 month out of the year where I allow myself nothing but water, fruits, veges and some quinoa and flush out my organs with a cleansing programs and colonics...this is my answer to staying balanced in my body and allowing myself to indulge guiltlessly.
I spend too much time with my boyfriend...and then I'll take a vacation or attend a retreat by myself. I watch too much tv and spend too much time in front of the computer...so then I'll do a silent meditation day or unplug in nature and lay on the earth. I am frugal on a daily basis...and then I splurge. I am generous when I can be...but I take care of me first. I have all kinds of friends and like all kinds of music...and still get bored. I have to travel...but I like to be still. I have to journey inside...but I keep a beautiful house. I am connected to my divinity...and I am a weak, ignorant human. I have to adventure...but I want to feel safe. I love to learn...but I have to integrate. I have to dance...but I love to read. I have to laugh out loud...and then sometimes I cry. I am pretty peaceful...but then I will blow by you in a road rage. I love people...but I love to be alone. I am brave...and I am terrified. I try to avoid pain...but then am grateful for the places it leads me.
I do not judge all these parts of myself, I make room for them and accept myself as human. This is where I am and this is how I thrive, by making the most of life and not labeling myself into a box. I change on a regular basis and go with the flow. I know that I am way bigger than I can imagine so I'm allowing new parts of myself to emerge on a regular basis without letting it define me. I am open to life in its multitude of forms and enjoying the ride...except when I'm not.
I finally realized that there is no destination, no arrival point...so why have I been rushing around so? I am here...in my life...in my body...right now...and there is no other place I'd rather be. Cuz well, what's the point? I'm sure I'll get to visit that place sometime...but the truth is nobody knows. I have also learned after years of needless suffering, that there is no right answer. I just have to feel out what's right for me and sometimes I mess up and I get to choose again. Life is not meant to be figured out, but experienced to the fullest...so I'm going to keep showing up to see what unfolds next!
In the meantime, I'm on Day 4 of my cleanse, munching on a carrot stick, getting a lot done...and feeling pretty damn good about myself...for now ;)